His fingers squeeze a little tighter as he rolls my nipple between them, his thumb is pressing with just enough pressure… I’m nearly to that euphoric state when he stops. Whipping my head up to figure out just what happened I find him peeking up at me, his eyes so full of lust that I can’t believe he’s pushed pause. We’ve been at this for almost two hours and I almost don’t know what’s gotten into him. It’s been two days since our night out, and our immense blowout the following morning. I’d never gone that far, never even realized I could go that far with him until the words were out and all I could hear on the other side of the door was his breathing between his teeth grinding together. I honestly thought for a few minutes that that was it, we were done. How could I have been so foolish to think that calling out his dick was a good idea? Well as bad as that was, the argument that followed wasn’t any better. The door had remained closed while we screamed through it, all of our frustrations coming to light and as tight lipped as I usually remained about his insecurities that morning I couldn’t find the lid to the “Elliots hang ups that bother me” jar anywhere.
I pulled out all the stops as I called him out about it all. “Why can’t you just understand that it doesn’t matter to me that you can’t fuck me standing up, that you can’t throw me around, or pound into me like a train. Jesus Elliot, get the fuck over it, I’m with you, I love you and our freaking sex life is god damned near perfect. Don’t you see that? Why can’t you see that? How can you be so intelligent and still so freaking dumb? I know how arroused you are, I see the way your eyes change, or the tone of your voice changes. I fucking see that, I don’t need you to have a damn hard on to prove how much I turn you on” Yeah, I said those things. Those true but hurtful things among others as I sat cross legged on his bed waiting for the door to open.
It never did open though, at least not for a long while and before he cracked it open his dirty laundry came flying right back at me. “Why the hell would you ever want to be with me, with half of a man? I mean is it because I don’t threaten you? Because I can’t fucking chase you down and the potential to hurt you is almost none? Why didn’t I see that before, you parade around in almost nothing, knowing that you have the upper hand, that I can’t act on my desire that is so fucking strong by the way. I can’t do anything about it without taking a fucking pill to make my dick hard and then still it’s up to you to do the god damned work? You just want to be in control and you are Taylor, god, you don’t know what I want to do to you and yes I do want to fucking pin your tight little ass to the wall and have my way with you… I want to see my body respond to you, it’s not normal to not be able to see how you affect me. I’d be walking around with a hard on for days at a time if I was able because every time I look at you I think about what I’d do to your hot body and it kills me that I can’t do it. Jesus. How did I not realize before now that you are probably only with me because I’m no threat. I’m at your mercy. And, and now I’m dragging my whole family into your fucked up mess… I’m walking on eggshells trying to keep you from shutting down.” Yep, those words flew at me faster than I would have ever thought possible. It was our first knock down screaming match and we both went for the knock out.
I didn’t expect him to be the one to open the door but when he did, it broke my heart. The tears in his eyes, the broken expression on his face mirroring my own damn near split me in half. Half that wanted to go to him and comfort him and half that still wanted to strangle him. I was sure he was feeling the same at what had just happened, but still he broke first. He pushed that door open but refused to come into the room. His hand rubbed back and forth along his thigh and the muscles in his jaw tightened repeatedly before he finally spoke.
“I’m sorry…” he said so softly that I could barely hear him.
“No,” I answered back.
His eyes lift from the floor to look at me, red rimmed and puffy, searching me for a sign of something.
“I can’t believe I just said those things, Tay, I didn’t mean any of it. I was just trying to hurt you, and I knew that it would. I couldn’t stop myself…” he says, still rubbing away at that thigh.
“Obviously we needed to get those things out in the open, Elliot. I’m sorry you are being dragged into my mess but I never once asked you for this. Not. Once. So please don’t try and put that on me. You, however, don’t give yourself enough credit. I knew what I was getting into when we started this and as much as I hate seeing you hurting, I don’t mind the chair, or the fact that you have to do things differently. Have I ever once acted like it bothered me? Have I ever not enjoyed an intimate experience with you? No, and the hang ups you have, they are your own. I don’t know what that’s like but I wish you could see yourself through my eyes for a change. I don’t know what I could do differently to show you just how amazing you are, I really don’t. You can’t even fathom just how threatening you are to my heart Elliot, I’ve never cared for, or cared about someone like I do you and that fact alone scares me more than some asshole who could physically hurt me. Don’t think for a second that I want to control this situation because I’m acting like a woman with her hot boyfriend. Chair or no chair, I’d still parade around you wearing next to nothing because you let me be comfortable in my own skin. You make me feel like the sexiest woman on the damn planet the way you look at me,” I spit back fast, before he can stop me.
His attention comes back to me is unwavering as I lay here back arching allowing myself to be taken. His hands bring me back to the present and he gets back to it and the pleasure I feel is so intense, I’ve never experienced anything quite as exhilarating as this. I don’t know if it’s the fact that I love this man more than I’ve ever loved anyone or if it’s because he is just that good of a lover. I just know that I don’t ever want it to stop.
“Cupcake… Taylor?” I vaguely hear his voice, “you okay?”
“Huh? Yeah…” I respond, still quivering when I finally am able to form a thought.
I feel his hands on my body caressing and teasing still as I emerge from a pleasure coma.
“Wow. Just… wow,” I manage to muster as I feel the bed dip down beside me.
He doesn’t say a word as he plops his butt down where his hand was as I slowly climb further onto his big bed to make room for him. I watch as he situates himself against the leather headboard, making quick work to straighten his legs when he catches me watching. His brown eyes become dark, and I know I’ve blown this moment. This wonderful night we’ve been having and here I am unable to take that back. He looks away then, and my heart drops into my stomach as the sigh escapes his lips. I watch as he replays something in his mind, I can’t be sure what it is but I’m wondering if it’s the fight two days ago.
As much as the words that escaped her beautiful lips hurt me, she was right. These were my issues, not hers. Nothing she said was untrue, not one word of it and the fact that she knew some of my secrets floored me and before I knew it I was throwing daggers right back at her and they were sharp. Even as they flowed from my mind I knew I’d gone too far. My response was to intentionally hurt her and god was I ever sorry for it after. I tried to wait it out, the silence on the other side of my bedroom door deafening. I couldn’t though, I couldn’t stand the fact that I’d said the spiteful horrible things in the first place. When I couldn’t take it for another second I slowly pushed the handle down and with a small push the door moved open. I had never been more afraid of what I’d find before me and I couldn’t bring myself to look, I simply muttered an apology, a feeble attempt to make peace. She shot me down quick with a simple “No” but I tried again, this time explaining that I did intentionally try to hurt her. Why lie about it, I did it. I listened to her as she again called me out, this time a little less harshly.
“Taylor,” I start but stop as I have nothing more to say to refute my outburst.
“One day maybe you will see what I see when I look at you…” she whispers, rising from her perch on my bed and getting dressed.
I watch as she gets dressed, swipes at her eyes in an attempt to hide the tears from me and disappears into my bathroom. I’m sitting here, feeling like this is it. This is what I created, her leaving so when she emerges and stills my hand on my thigh I’m a little shocked.
“Please Elliot, you have to stop feeling like less. You are more than whole. More than most guys,” she leans in and whispers in my ear, before wiping my tears.
“I know…” I mumble out.
“You don’t though. But hopefully you will someday. I get that today isn’t that day, and it might not be for awhile. I need to know that you are going to figure it out though. I need to know that we aren’t going to have this conversation for the rest of our lives…” she says softly, giving me a knowing look.
I let my head fall, I’m not where I want to be but I’m working on it, and I don’t think I can give her a time frame.
“Elliot, c’mon, I’m done fighting today. I want to spend the day with my boyfriend and laugh and have a nice time,” she says before turning and shimmying through the door around me.
Normally I’d be cringing inside, her watching me and I see the hesitation on her face when I catch her. After our fight though, I am telling myself to suck it up, she isn’t staring because it’s gross, she cares. It’s a hard concept to get used to and while I’m struggling to tamp down the urge to call her out I remember the look on her face moments ago when I sent her into bliss. Her face now is one of uncertainty, like she isn’t quite sure how I’m going to respond, and I don’t like it.
“Wanna keep going?” I ask with a sly smile.
“Uh, yeah…” she says with a confused look on her face.
She gently brings her leg over my body and while I feel the pressure where her body rests on mine I take in the view, scar and all she is near perfection. Maybe not for everyone but for me she is it. I watch her, watching me watch her and it’s fucking amazing. Her eyes take on this dreamy quality as her movements become faster and she gets closer to the edge. The little whimpers begin to crescendo into full blown screams as I lift her up and down faster and faster. As she collapses on my chest, the parts I can feel ignite and I realize that letting her in is the best fucking feeling, well second best.