I AM DEVOTEE by Anonymous

“Are you looking for someone to marry?”

Jana shivered when this question popped up on her messenger. She felt butterflies everytime his name appeared on the screen of her smartphone, everytime she saw his tiny profile pic smiling so sweet. They had texted back and forth for a few weeks now, everything felt like a dream. She´d cross the world. They´d finally hold each other. Kiss. A dream come true.


“If I find someone worth it, sure.”

John smiled when he read the reply. He never thought anyone would want to be with him. Now there was this girl, who seemed ready to do anything for him. Determined to make him happy. He smiled and imagined how nice it would be to have her finally in his arms. To kiss, touch, to be madly in love, forever. To have sex everyday. Something he never dared dreaming of.


“Nice, me too.”

Jana was laying on her bed. She smiled from cheek to cheek, imagining how amazing it would be to wake up everyday with John on her side. How she´d wake him up with soft kisses. How they´d make love to each other everyday. But even if not forever. Just to look into his eyes for a moment and hug him, one single hug, it was what she longed for the most.


“Can´t wait to have you in my arms”

John sighed. They´d have to wait a few weeks to finally meet each other for the first time. He wished it more than anything. A few weeks…3 and a half weeks. This was a really long time. He felt anxiety growing in his chest. Impatience. It didn´t feel real yet.


“It feels like a dream.”

Jana´s heart started to race. It felt real for her. She could imagine it all. The feeling, taste, smell. Doing personal care. Embracing everything she didn´t know yet, no matter if good or bad. He was worth anything.


“As soon as I book everything it will feel real.”

Book? John started to feel panic. He´d have to talk to his family. Tell them he dreams of having a partner. His father, he would never understand. Nobody would understand. How to explain there´s a girl totally into him? He didn´t even understand it himself, how was this even possible. He knew she was a dev, but what he didn´t understand was what exactly this means. What if she was only lusting after the physical aspects? What if she didn´t like him IRL, after all, she´d never been with a wheeler before.


“I need to talk to my parents before you book”

His parents? Why would he want to talk to his parents? Jana didn´t understand. Her life was completely different from Johns. She never asked for permission. She decided to ask him.


“Why would they forbid?”

John sighed. Hard to imagine him telling his parents about this girl. It didn´t make any sense. He wasn´t even sure what he was feeling anymore, actually, he didn´t want to meet anymore.


“It´s hard to explain.”
Jana was getting flustered. She wasn´t sure if it would be better to ask again, but she felt he wouldn´t want to explain it anyways.


“I´ll wait for your okay to book”

John felt very anxious. He´d never be able to tell his parents. He couldn´t do it. As much as he wanted to be with her. As he did not want to hurt her. But he couldn´t tell his parents. And he didn´t want to get hurt. He just didn´t want it anymore.


“I am sorry, but I think it´s best for me if we don´t meet. I´m sorry”

Jana felt an enormous pain cross her chest. She´d never expected to be let down like this. She felt like crying, like dying inside. Imediately she started to ask herself what she did wrong. What was wrong with her?


“I´d feel less hurt if you could explain”

She wouldn´t get it. It would be senseless to explain. He was doing her a favor in letting her down, he wouldn´t be any good for her anyways. Such a beatiful, intelligent woman. Why would she want to be with him, she didn´t know how awful her life would be with him. She´ll soon find another guy, she´s smart.


“Sorry, but there´s nothing to be explained.”

Jana lays on her bed trembling, unable to cry.



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