AnRo: Sometimes I Wonder…

Sometimes I wonder…

There are days where I never wonder about it at all, and then there are those moments where I see the frustration develop across your face and it seems it’s all I can wonder about.  It is subtle at first, a little twitch of your left eyelid, then slowly it spreads across your features. Your brow becomes wrinkled, the little creases by your eyes become deeper, the corners of your mouth turn down and then the tips of your ears become red.  It doesn’t happen as often anymore as it did right after, sometimes I wondered if your face would permanently stay like that back then, but now it’s becoming less and less.  

Do I have tells like that too, I wonder…

I remember what it used to be like for us, the days and nights we spent bouncing through the world like two pinballs magnetically drawn to each other.  I’m still drawn to you, more than I think you could ever believe at this point.  Yet you still have these moments that make me wonder if you will ever fully come back to me.  Even if you didn’t, I will still be here.  You are the one… my better half, though it’s not in writing yet. I’ve managed to make you see at least a little bit of that I hope.  

Sometimes I wonder…

Your hands used to be almost non-stop along my curves, my skin, through my hair.  It’s taken you a while to find some sense of that carefree abandon with me again, but it’s coming back.  I notice in the way your features soften that while it might not be the same, there is something enjoyable there.  The softness with which you caress my cheek, I don’t know if it is because there is less control or if it is your fear of the lack of control.  Where there were once strong fingers gripping my face and turning it towards you, now it’s soft knuckles raking across my skin and down my body.

Sometimes I wonder if you wonder…

Do you think about what it used to be like, I can guarantee that you do. Because I do too. Does it mean that I don’t like this new normal, not a chance?  I’d take you any way I could get you.  Whether soft and pliable or hard and rough, you are what makes me get up in the morning. You have been for over ten years.  The first seven of those ten years were a blur of activity and motion while these last three have been more slow and turbulent at the same time. Did it break me, yes, but not as much as it did you.

Sometimes I wonder…

If you hadn’t turned around in that moment, if you wouldn’t have looked back at me with that goofy grin… what if. There are a lot of those moments that I wonder about and I know you do too.  We have exhausted the endless what-if possibilities over and over and over yet again. It can’t change anything now, though.  What’s done is done, as they say.  I haven’t seen that goofy grin in quite the same way since. I miss it. Sometimes I wonder if you miss it too.

Sometimes I wonder…

When will you see that this is just a different version of us, on our ever changing journey. That when I have to untangle those soft fingers from my hair it doesn’t matter, or when I have to disrobe instead of you ripping the clothes from my body, it doesn’t matter. Not to me anyways. Despite that, though, I know that look as the frustration creeps across your features, I know it so well now, that sometimes I wonder…

1 thought on “AnRo: Sometimes I Wonder…

  1. (OMG! I set my own comment to ‘pending’ again. Like, seriously. Bah! Sorry!!!)

    Wow. Miss AnRo. Very raw and real and believable…

    Yeah, I loved this so darn much. Thank you very much for writing this, ma’am!!

    Big hugs,
    Ann

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